Complacency

Hope you like the new look on the blog. It was about time. The old was done right after we were matched with Lulu 3 yrs ago!!! Geez! Our friend Charlie did it for me and I think she did an amazing job! I am hoping to add a few more new things to it coming up soon.

Ok, so back to the topic of the post, Complacency. Defined as: : a feeling of being satisfied with how things are and not wanting to try to make them better : a complacent feeling or condition
Oh Boy! I do not want to get lulled into complacency. When I left China last summer after 2 weeks with the orphans of Chenzhou, I swore to myself I would not go to "that place of complacency." I didn't want to forget all that I felt on that trip. All that broke my heart. All that filled my heart with joy and meaning and fullness. I was so completely awed at the deep satisfaction and spiritual high I experienced on that trip that I just couldn't imagine going back to the lifestyle of upper middle class America. Why? Why would I rather walk the dirty, crowded streets of a "small" China town in the 100 degree heat only to be met by even hotter conditions once inside the orphanage. An orphanage filled with dirty, smelly, sickly children. Children pulling at you, pinching you, grabbing you,wanting you to hold them. Children who were not  neatly groomed in precious Matilda Jane outfits or sporting the latest Gap styles. Children that in some cases looked genderless. No bows or cute headbands. No preppy plaid shirts. Rotten teeth. Shaved heads. Lonely souls. Desperate for love hearts. Why? Why would I WANT that over my cushy American lifestyle of neatly groomed lawns leading to expansive houses with clean, coiffed children playing happily in their yards on their numerous toys. Sleeping on a soft bed in the air conditioning. Why? Because in China I felt God like no other time in my life. His very real presence. I realized Jesus walked streets like those I shuffled down. His heart broke for the least of these just like mine did. And I was so satisfied because we are made in His image. We are made to feel and hurt and love like He does. And I did that there. I gave of myself in a very raw way that was pure and genuine. Here in America, in my little bubble of a world, I don't often have to experience things that shatter your being and bring you to your knees in desperate pleas of "oh Jesus!" and so I don't look so much like Him here.  I look like the world. Have I become complacent? I fear the answer. But what? What do I do? I am here in America. God has placed me here at this time, not in China. I have 5 kids, 2 dogs and a rabbit right in front of me that need me. So what do I do? I am NOT "satisfied with how things are" because I know life holds more. It holds more of the deep, rich stuff that molds you into someone much better than you ever dreamed you could be... and boy do I need molding! There is something I can do. I just have to trust that God will lead me to it. So I pray and dream and ponder and smile when I think of the sweaty little faces that greeted us each morning in the doorways of the orphanage. I can't forget them and the lessons they taught me. I will not become complacent because we were put on this earth for a purpose. An eternal purpose He chose for us that matches our unique qualities and gifts. I encourage you to find what you are passionate about. That "thing" that pains your heart and stirs you up. It may be the elderly, homeless, abused women, armed forces, cancer victims, there are many, many out there who need you and your unique God-given gifts and talents. I will leave you with the words from the song "Do Something" by Matthew West. May you never be complacent.......

"Do Something"

I woke up this morning
Saw a world full of trouble now
Thought, how’d we ever get so far down
How’s it ever gonna turn around
So I turned my eyes to Heaven
I thought, “God, why don’t You do something?”
Well, I just couldn’t bear the thought of
People living in poverty
Children sold into slavery
The thought disgusted me
So, I shook my fist at Heaven
Said, “God, why don’t You do something?”
He said, “I did, I created you”

If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something

I’m so tired of talking
About how we are God’s hands and feet
But it’s easier to say than to be
Live like angels of apathy who tell ourselves
It’s alright, “somebody else will do something”
Well, I don’t know about you
But I’m sick and tired of life with no desire
I don’t want a flame, I want a fire
I wanna be the one who stands up and says,
“I’m gonna do something”

If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something

We are the salt of the earth
We are a city on a hill (shine shine, shine shine)
But we’re never gonna change the world
By standing still
No we won’t stand still
No we won’t stand still
No we won’t stand still

If not us, then who
If not me and you
Right now, it’s time for us to do something
If not now, then when
Will we see an end
To all this pain
It’s not enough to do nothing
It’s time for us to do something [x3]

Ponte Vedra Beach June 2014

We try to get to our favorite beach as much as possible. We were able to go for an entire week this time. We started out at the Inn for a few days, just the kids and I, and then WIll joined us and we moved over to the condo for the remainder.

Sun, surf, thunderstorms, food, fun, boogie boarding, skim boarding, reading, relaxing, time together, movie watching, World Cup watching, sharks teeth and sea glass, running, long walks.....

Aaaaahhhh

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It Will Change You

Summer is upon us and these warm months stir up treasured memories for me. In July, my oldest child will turn 16. How did time move so fast? I remember well those last few weeks of pregnancy. And I remember well, all of my ideas and plans for motherhood. Oh my. Silly me. I had no idea. I remember very distinctly saying that motherhood was not going to "change me" or rule my life. It was going to be a grand part of my life, but this tiny little bundle of bouncing baby was not going to alter our lifestyle or change who I was! Period. End of story.

Ok, are you laughing yet? I am. But lets go back to pre-child me for a moment because it really is quite comical. We took a birthing class where they teach you how to breathe and show you a short little "movie"that allows you to see just what to expect on the big day. I was horrified! Here was this woman almost completely naked, with umpteen different people in and out of her hospital room and she didn't seem to care! I quickly leaned over to my husband and said, "That will NOT be me. I want you to make sure all my body parts are covered at all times." Then she proceeded to decline the epidural! She birthed that child without pain medication! Again, I leaned over to my poor husband, who was probably a little shell shocked at this point, and reminded him, "I WILL get that epidural and I WILL get it as soon as they will allow it! No pain for me, honey!" I also made note that this woman we had just watched, did not look so good. I was going to make sure I looked nice because after all this was going to be a big day and there were sure to be many photographic opportunities. I also talked about if... if, I had to get a c-section, which I was certain I would not need, because surely I could push this baby out, hubby was to make sure the incision was low enough down NOT to be noticed in a swim suit.  I felt rather good about my plan and I was ready!

Our sweet friends and family had thrown us numerous baby showers and we had everything we could possibly need for our new child. I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of stuff one small infant could need but none the less I had it all organized and tucked away ready for use. I had a plan here too. My house was NOT going to be one of those houses that had the baby paraphernalia strewn all over the place cluttering up my carefully decorated abode. The bright garish fabrics and plastics just did not match a thing in my present decor. Nope not going to happen.

I was also not going to give up my running. One of my favorite gifts was the running stroller. I would push my little tot in this soon after birth to get back in shape. He/she would love it, time spent outdoors in the fresh air viewing the world and all its sights and sounds!

And lets talk about my schedule. I was in charge of that and baby would fit nicely into my routine, after all, we had read and studied in detail a popular book about fitting baby into your schedule and not letting said baby be in charge.  Laughing yet???

In the last few weeks of pregnancy it was hot. I was growing larger and more uncomfortable. My stylish little shoes no longer were an option as my feet were ridiculously swollen. In fact, I had to wear Keds to a wedding! I was so ready to be a mother and embark on this new phase of life. I am laughing again. I had NO idea what I was in for! Right before my world was rocked, I remember reading an article about how motherhood changes you. It was a conversation a mother was having with her friend who was thinking of starting a family. She went on to say to her dear friend, just how much her life was going to change. The article touched me deeply and brought tears to my eyes but I didn't truly get it....as I wasn't a mother yet.

Ok, so now the big day arrives. I had small contractions that were quite manageable and the doctor said to come on in. I showered, spiffied myself up, you know for all the pictures that were going to be taken, tidied up the house, and headed into my new frontier. We checked in and I changed into the lovely hospital gown handed to me and climbed into the prepared bed to begin the waiting and pushing. I reminded my husband of all the things we had discussed-no uncovered body parts, epidural, pictures, etc. We were ready! LOL

All hell broke loose. My world was rocked. My nice neat, planned- out world was turned upside down. It started out ok, I got the epidural at the first sign of discomfort but then......it all fell apart. Hot spots where the epidural didn't work, back labor, epidural not working at all,pain. lots of pain, hours of pushing, baby not in the right position, baby in distress, the word c-section being discussed, umpteen people in and out of the room, etc. I was a mess. At that point, I did not care if I were naked in the middle of a freeway. I was in so much pain I just wanted it to stop. And get my baby out! Cut me right down the middle of my stomach- just don't let anything happen to my baby! Pictures-never a thought- and that was a good thing, as my hair resembled a large birds nest and my face had red scratch marks on it from one of the medications that made me itch, my eyes were so swollen from pushing so hard for hours  that I looked like a boxer. I was whisked away to surgery as a c-section was needed immediately. After many attempts to numb the area I was still feeling everything so general anesthesia was the plan. There were to be no happy pictures of the baby being born and placed on my chest, with my husband smiling next to me. He was pushed out of the room. I was put under. And I awoke sometime later to my husband's smiling face and the news we had a healthy 8lb- 140z baby girl! We named her Julia Irene.

So, are you seeing that maybe having a baby does  "alter" your plans? Yea well, I still didn't quite get it. I was still sticking to my plans! We came home 5 days later with our new daughter and we began our lives together. I was going to get back on track and stick to our well thought out plans. Hee hee hee. Very quickly my house resembled a baby superstore. I could not run. I wasn't even allowed to go up stairs. I had a very large scar that looked quite lovely-side note- it was down low :)  She had NO eating schedule. She wanted to eat nonstop. Breastfeeding was way harder than I had anticipated and it HURT! I was always tired as she slept very little at night. My house was a disaster. I was a disaster. Showers? A thing of the past. If I could get my teeth brushed it was a good day. I had a bit of post-pardum depression and would get quite weepy every night as I would think, "Oh no! I have to get up tomorrow and do this AGAIN! She will be here tomorrow. She is not going away!" I was totally overwhelmed and I was grieving  for the loss of my life as it was before. All you first time moms out there, I am here to tell you it does get better. You will embrace motherhood. Heck, I have 5 kids now!!!!

I struggled through those first few exhausting months and one day I got out of the house alone and headed to the grocery store. Big Outing! I was just about a mile down the road when I had a panic attack. I had to pull over. Thoughts rushed through my head, "What if something happens to me? Who will take care of my baby? Who will be my daughter's mother? Who will watch out for her and meet all of her needs?"A fierce love for her invaded every fiber of my soul and I cried. I realized right then and there that my life would NEVER be the same. The words in that article came screaming back to me. I got it. Motherhood changes you. It changes your heart. It alters your lifestyle. It affects your plans and time schedules but moreover it recreates you into something much more beautiful and much less selfish and superficial. I would like to say that I completely embraced this notion from that point on. I did not. I still fought it to some degree. But I slowly started to see that it was ok to lose parts of myself, parts that maybe weren't quite so stellar and replace them with parts that reflected a love that is like no other. My new daughter and I began a bond that carries us to this day. She showed me what real love looks like.

 We eventually tried that running stroller out and we logged many miles together. I still have that rusty old thing and I am still pushing kids in it 16 years later. In fact, I trained for my first marathon with my second child riding in it. My house has, at all times, toys and shoes and paraphernalia strewn throughout its hallways and rooms. My schedule...it is a thing of the past. With 5 kids, my schedule is their schedule. I occasionally get to look nice but most days it is running attire and baseball hats. BUT..... I wouldn't trade it for the world! I get to be five little people's mother! And my heart has so much love it overflows. I have learned what is truly important in life through these little people. And God has planted new dreams and plans in my heart that are far greater and far more meaningful than I could ever have anticipated all those years ago. If you had told me 16 years ago that I would be the mother of five, three of them adopted from a foreign county across the world.....I would have said you were crazy. Nope. Not me. Not my plans. Insert laughter here. His plans are always better than our plans. His ways always better than ours. Aren't they?

 So as I near the momentous occasion of celebrating Sweet 16 with this first baby of mine and I try to find the perfect gift to mark this occasion I hope that this little blog post serves as a gift to her and to all my children as they become parents for the first time years from now. I want them to know just how much children do change you and that it is ok. You will gain so much more than you will ever lose. Thank you my dearly loved brood of five for helping to make me into a better person and for filling my heart with an abundance of love! You are all truly treasured gifts and I can't imagine a better life plan!