In the Silence

It has been almost a year since we first learned that Will's position at work would be eliminated. It has been 6 months since his last day of work. It has been a very difficult year. Will and I have been through hard before...both individually before we met and together. We felt God's presence at those times and that is what got us through those previous trials. This is different. God seems absent. He is silent. Now, we know through His numerous promises in the Bible that this is not true...He is always with us. But we can't feel him. We can't hear Him. And that makes it really HARD. For me, I have searched the scriptures, I have prayed, pleaded, cried out to Him, confessed, just plain cried. Nothing. Silence. It is deafening. I need Him. I need to hear Him. I want to hear Him. I want this all to be done. But it isn't and I/we have to be ok with that. You see, we have prayed throughout this whole thing to be in HIS will. That is where we want to be. Well, if He isn't guiding us somewhere else, then right here in "nothingness" is where He must want us for now. Oh the uncertainty! The what if's. The fears that creep in. Why can't I just TRUST Him...completely?

But in this silence I am learning things. Much about myself. Not always pretty. I have been taken down low and made to examine my heart and I haven't liked what I have seen at all times. I have reached the point, awhile ago, where I didn't think I could get any lower. But isn't that where He wants us so that we are looking up to Him for our dependency? We are to find sufficiency in Him...Him alone. Not what He can do for us...just Him. Wow, that is HARD. Shouldn't be but it is, at least for me it is. YUK!

I hate money. I wish we were on the barter system. You know, I'll give you some eggs since I have chickens if you give me some milk since you have a cow kind of thing. But....I have discovered through this that I placed a lot of value on money and I was/am very dependent on it. I guess we all are as we live in the world and do need it to survive, but the place it held in my heart was/ is more than it should be. YUK!

I have also struggled with this... "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28 and other similar verses. But the thing that scares me, terrifies me, and that I can't wrap my brain around or don't want to is this....it doesn't all seem to work out all the time....at least not in this life. Eternity, but not here. A family of believers loses their child to an accident or sickness....doesn't work out in this life to get their child back. They have to trust this tragedy is for the greater good. They have to live this life here on earth with deep pain....BUT....knowing in eternity there will be no more tears. WOW! Now, I am not equating our situation to that by any means. But I know very specific incidences where things have NOT worked out here in this life. And so the fear creeps in....what if this doesn't end well? What if there is more to come? So I studied Job. WOW! The trust he had in His God, my God. The faith. Where is my faith? Again, YUK!

Letting God have total and I mean TOTAL control, not the "Well, I will just hold on lightly to this God cause I do know what is best for me/us." kind of control. That is HARD for me. Now, you would think with 3 adoptions I would have learned this lesson as it is hard to control 2 different governments and all the "stuff" that is involved with adopting....ha! Nope. Still learning. Again, He took me down low and the burden became so heavy I could NOT carry it anymore. Just last weekend at an adoption conference I laid it down, gave it to Him....or at least it feels lighter now. Please Lord don't let me grab for it back! I don't want it. I WANT you to have it....but oh wait...that would mean I would have to TRUST you with it. Back to that again!

We have not only been hit with a job loss but also with several other "things" throughout this time of unemployment. Hard things. Deep things. The emotions that sometimes seem too much to feel from not only myself but my husband and my kids make it even harder. We are learning what is really important and what is not. And we have learned who our true friends are and those that really don't want to deal with the hard stuff. That is a loss too we have had to bear. I hope this makes me a better friend. A deeper, stick with ya through the hard stuff kind of friend. I hope this makes me "see" peoples' pain and fears and allows me to empathize more. Isn't that what Christ wants us to do? How many times have I been "too busy" to notice someone's pain? Forgive me Lord. YUK!

So in the silence there has been much learning and growing. I am not at the point yet where I can say "That time was worth all the pain and struggles we went through to get to here." I hope that comes....soon. It has been a long year. LONG. And overwhelming. I want to be finished. But we aren't yet and we don't know when we will be. He knows. And that has to be ok. Remember that old "story"-Footprints- of the person who was walking through trials and he wondered where God was...there was only one set of footprints? God replies something like this "In those trials my dear child, you see only one set of footprints because I was caring you." Oh carry me Lord and don't let me go..........in the silence.

Surgery for our littlest Princess

Lulu had surgery today on her sweet little fingers. I have dreaded this day since we brought her home. Her hands are her hands. They are how God made them and they are beautiful to us. She uses them beautifully and without any problems. So why fix them? For the future. She will one day want them to look as "normal" as possible. And for ultimate growth as well. So after 2 reschedules we finally made it to the big day. And much to my delight....it was WAY easier than I anticipated! You see I was a bit of a freak about it, to put it mildly. But it all went very smoothly. They let me go all the way back to the "o.r." until she was under...she even laughed at my hair thingy I had to put on and told me "funny crown Mama". She puckered her big full lips and leaned up to me so I could kiss her with my mask on just before they gave her the anesthesia. Of course all of this was with the "happy juice" in her. He told us 3 hrs and it was just 1:45. No skin graft needed. And cast, BIG CAST, to remain on only 2 weeks!!!!!! He was able to separate them and release 2 of the bands. I can't believe how much different they look separated and I just know....IT WILL BE BETTER THIS WAY! She was a very angry little spicy Hunan girl at first but after coming home, she settled into the couch for movies, candy and Princess shoes. Not another fit. Even some dancing and twirling. She did NOT nap so went right out tonight. I love this baby and I am so thankful it all went well and was much better than I anticipated! I was mentally planning for a few good days of unhappiness and irritability like with the leg casts.... but not this time!

Thanking God for this child, His mercy today, successful separation, and relatively pain-free!

 See pictures below for results. 

 The "befores"

The "afters"

In all her cuteness with one large honker of a cast!

Happy Chinese New Year!

It is the year of the snake. Last year we were in China for the end of Chinese New Year-year of the dragon- and it was really cool to see all the decorations, hear the fireworks, and all the festivities. This year we celebrated American style :)!

We celebrated Saturday night with our adoption group and had lots of yummy Chinese food and warm, full hearts as we all looked upon our Chinese blessings home with their Forever Families! Thank you Drafts family!

Sunday night we celebrated at home with our own special dinner.....with American food :) !

So blessed to have our 3 little Chinese American family members and the unique opportunities it lends to our family.

May your year be filled with His rich blessings.

A sad farewell....

My sweet big girl played her last home game with the Eagles last night. More than likely we will not be here next season so this was a tough one for her. She started playing with the Eagles in 6th grade for the middle school team and now as a 9th grader she is finishing up on the JV team. This is truly such a wonderful group of girls! To make the last home game even tougher they played her old school. And they are a varsity team, a BIG varsity team, with a 5th yr senior to boot! The outcome was not in our favor and the tears flowed as she stepped off the court. I have dreaded this night for weeks knowing she was going to be so sad. My heart hurt for her. These past few months have been extremely tough and emotional for all of us but for a 14 year old......the idea of moving and leaving friends, sports teams and just life has been taxing for her. As a mother you want to shield your children from those deep heart hurts, but there are times you can't. Life throws things at you that you can't control and you must do your best to shepherd them. Of course when your own heart hurts and you are trying to wrap your brain around all that is happening that can be tough. So we are plowing through it together. Sometimes we do well and sometimes it ain't pretty! But I love this girl with all my heart and I have to remember God loves her more than I do, and all this.....He has planned for her good, our good. Julia, you played a fabulous last game on your home court! I could not have been more proud! As always you gave 110%. I love you, Julia!

 Now, on to the regional tournament and national tournament!

GO EAGLES!

And Sam is 11!

February is filled with celebrations in our house! Today my sweet Sam turned 11. How could that have happened? He was just that fat baby boy with the big blue eyes, now he is almost as tall as I am...but he still has the big beautiful blue eyes! We all say Sam is the nicest, kindest person in our house. He is just such a good kid/brother, friend. We all adore him. Happy Birthday Sam! I love you so very much!!!!!

He wanted the neighbor gang to come over to watch the Super Bowl...so that we did!

Presents this morning, Chick-fil-A for breakfast.

We had to do cake before dinner again as Julia had a game in Columbia tonight. After the game, we ate at Fuddruckers to end the celebration!

My how handsome he is....and grown up he is looking! May God bless you this next year little buddy.

The Beauty Shop

It is one of those toys. Ya know the ones that you think, "Oh no, that is just going to take up space, lots of space, and no one is ever going to play with it!" Julia received this as a gift form Will's parents when she was a little tot. And I thought that exact sentiment. "It is big. It is plastic. It is pink and purple. She will never play with that!" I was so wrong. She did play with it. As has every child since. Even the boys. And the neighbors. And the visitors. All the kids. Years later it is still a draw. My little girls love it. In fact, it was my big Saturday night entertainment this evening. I know, I need to get a life! But instead I got my hair and make up done by two adorable raven haired beauties. No other place I would want to be. Julia no longer plays with the beauty shop...sigh! But it seems like just yesterday she did! But now my sweet almond-eyed daughters are tucked warmly into their beds and my first baby and I are going to watch a chick flick. And I think I will live it up large and have a glass of wine! Enjoy your Saturday night!

Someone turned 7 today!

Happy 7th Birthday Xin!

For some reason 7 doesn't sound so little anymore. It sounds more like a "medium" kid. Can't believe he is 7! We celebrated with a donut breakfast, lunch with the birthday boy at school and shared cupcakes with classmates. The entire cafeteria sings Happy Birthday...so cute! Then we had more celebration with cake and dinner out at a Chinese restaurant.( We did it backwards and had the cake first due to some scheduling conflicts with the 7 member family we have-hey it works!) It was a great day  celebrating Xin! We have come a long way! We love you buddy and know God created you for something special!