Several months ago I wrote a post during one of the lowest moments I can remember having in my life. The job loss had taken its toll along with several other personal trials and then a bout with the flu, which physically took me down. But the worst part of it all was what I perceived as the absence of God. Where was He? Why couldn't I feel Him, or "see" Him, or "hear" Him? He promises in the bible to "never leave us or forsake us"....so where was He. I desperately needed Him and missed Him terribly. I have had so many moments on my faith journey where I could feel His loving arms around me and I was calmed. But there was nothing during this time. I longed for Him. Over and over I cried out, begged Him to make His presence known to me. Not "fix" things, although that would have been nice, just make His presence known.
In March, I attended an adoption conference towards the end of my battle with the flu. I thought about not going as I was still so tired and weak feeling. I made myself go. I drove the 3 hrs by myself praying and listening to Christian music -with 5 kids, 2 dogs, a rabbit, and a husband home now "by myself" just doesn't happen :-) . Throughout the conference I was surrounded by women of faith and their courageous stories. I had some wonderful time with some fantastic women and a time to do some reflecting. I drove home....praying and listening to words of encouragement through more Christian songs. I arrived home feeling stronger and thankful I had attended.
From that point on, I began to feel that glimmer of hope....hope that only comes form the Lord. He encouraged me through random devotions, scripture, unexpected emails, phone calls and "running into" people that had just the right words to say. My quiet time began to take on a different quality. I began to experience my beloved savior again. He was there. I could "see" Him, feel Him, "hear" Him. My heart was filling with His presence. I continue daily to gain new knowledge, garner new perspective on His word, and see my God in all His goodness and glory. I think I had to get to such a low so as to truly grasp what He is trying to teach me. He is our sufficiency. He is good. He can be trusted. He will work all circumstances for our good.
Our circumstances have NOT changed. We are still in the midst of no job. But......My God IS there and He loves me! It is a daily battle for my heart and soul that I can not fight on my own....only with His help. Satan gets us when we are weak and tells us lies and places fear where there should be trust. Trust in Him. But God is stronger than the enemy. And we are to be thankful and praise Him in the midst. SO HARD TO DO! But we must.And He has provided during this time. Abundantly. He has always been there. I just chose to look at the circumstances and not God. I chose to believe Satan and not my loving God. Shame on me.
So as we continue down this time of uncertainty and hardship I will daily need Him to get me through. I will continue to learn (cause I got a lot of that I still need to do) and grow in my relationship with my King. I will still falter and fall. And He will love me, forgive me and offer His unending mercy and grace. Because I am a daughter of the King! Regardless of my circumstances....He IS there!