Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Sometimes I wonder.......

Last year this time Julia and I were counting down the days until our trip to Chenzhou China. We were not able to go this year for various reasons and it is just killing me. I think about those kids all the time and the sweet staff that cares for them. My heart aches. I think about the way those kids live on a daily basis and the ache deepens. All this reminiscing has reminded me that three of my children were once orphans. You are probably saying, "Really? You forget that they were once orphans?" The answer would be a resounding "YES!" They are MY children. They are smart, funny, clever, creative, giving, loving, loud, silly, determined, beautiful little people who do NOT resemble the "empty shells" that were placed in our arms on Gotcha Day.

But then....sometimes I wonder.....? When Lulu is terrified and cries at thunderstorms, did anyone come to hold her? She snuggles in deep to my chest, thumb in mouth, and slowly closes her eyes as I hold, comfort and rock her. Did anyone calm her fears? Or did her cries just go unanswered? Oh, how that hurts my heart. When I fix Jaida's hair and she smiles from ear to ear, admiring herself, would anyone have done this and then told her how beautiful she is? Xin has a scar above his eye that he doesn't remember how he got. Did anyone hold him and tend to the wound? Or did he just cry unattended? If they woke in the middle of the night with a fever, did anyone give them medicine to reduce the fever? Or did they cry and suffer alone and feeling awful? These are just the very basics of parenting that we all do without a second thought. But those precious little ones that reside in orphanages don't get the basics because they don't have parents. When my mind goes to the thought that MY 3 kids lived this way for a portion of their little lives, it is almost more than I can take. I can't fathom them crying, hurting, afraid and no one coming to help. Don't all children deserve the basics?

Those little people that I spent 2 weeks with last year deserve the basics. Some will be adopted and learn the love of a family. Others never will be. So, my heart aches. It aches because I can't adopt them all. It aches because I want to go back and at least give those kids "the basics" for 2 weeks. It aches because that doesn't feel like enough. What more can I do? I want to do more. They need us to do more. I just don't know what that more looks like? So I pray He will show me. I pray He can use me. I feel inadequate for such an enormous problem. But I can't let the enormity of it stop me from doing something. Because they deserve to be held, loved, told they are beautiful. Because they are real little people with real needs. Because they.......were once my three.

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