I like control. I like to be in control. As someone who happens to be a type A personality I thrive on having control.I am a fish out of water if I do not have some bit of control over my situation. With international adoption you/I do NOT have control. Any semblance of control. Completely 100% out of my control. You would think by adoption #3 this fact would sink in. It hasn't. But I decided many weeks ago to give adoption #3 to God. Give it all to Him. I told Him I knew I would try to take it back numerous times and I prayed He would not let me have it. Honestly, why in the world would I think I knew better than God and that I could control 2 governments myself better than the sovereign Lord? He created the universe.He raised His son from the dead.He parted the Red Sea. He created me...and my child I am not so patiently waiting for. He knows the number of hairs on my head! Me? Well, I can keep a house pretty tidy, run some miles, love on my kids, cook a mean bowl of popcorn(the old fashioned way), do some crafty sort of things,.....hhhmmm, none of those things seem to be in the same league as the BIG "stuff" God did/does. Why? Why then is it so very hard to let Him have this and just sit back in peace and wait for Him to do His thing in His perfect timing? Knowing full well that everything, EVERYTHING He does, is done in love.
We stopped after church to get some Fire House subs and while we were waiting in the car for Will, Jaida and Xin wanted to know if they could walk home from there.( yes, it took awhile) I told them it was a few miles away and it was 105 degrees outside. To which they replied, "But we know the way." Really? So I asked them which way they would walk. They proceeded to tell me all kinds of directions. I listened. "So can we?" I told them that if they were to walk the way they wanted to go, then they would have ended up very far from our house. Very tired, hot and probably very lost. I should listen to my own words. I am like the 4 yr old who "thinks" she knows best, and knows all the twists and turns, when really I know nothing. I am the 4 yr old who without a loving Father to drive me home would end up lost, tired and disappointed. So, DAILY, I try to give it to Him. I want SO badly to call and check on paperwork status, to look at the charts on line that predict dates to which I might get my child....you know cause that will actually get me my child faster. But I am learning a valuable lesson He obviously thinks I need to learn. TRUST in Him. In Him alone.Let Him be God. Let Him show me His full majesty. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight."Proverbs 3:5-6 I want so desperately to feel that peace in knowing He has it all in His loving hands. He has shown me several "signs" that give me the reassurance I am so craving but it seems I "forget" quite quickly and want to take it back from Him. He is so patient with me. Forgive me Lord. I am trying and I really do want you to have it. So I will pray again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. He and I will walk this path together and hopefully my heart will learn, truly learn what trusting completely in Him feels like, without involvement from Amy's charts, calls, emails, predictions, etc. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to show me your ways.