There is a constant struggle that goes on inside of my heart.
God vs the world
God and his unmerited grace, love, wisdom and goodness vs the world and its temporary trappings
Doesn't sound right
Why would one not choose God?
Why would one be drawn to the things of the world that fade and inevitably loose their luster?
17 years ago when I first started coming to this beach, I dreamed of living in a beachfront mansion like this. I walked through the rooms in my mind and decorated them all. I envisioned myself drinking coffee in the mornings on one of my many porches overlooking the Atlantic ocean.
Since then God has been working on my heart. Through people, circumstances, and experiences God placed in my path, my dreams have changed. I no longer dream of living here.
Instead I find myself dreaming dreams with more eternal value. Don't get me wrong, I live in a lovely home filled with plenty of comforts and extras. And I complain and whine and forget I am blessed beyond measure. In God's great sense of "humor" He exposed my still growing heart last week. After reading and crying over the blogs of the women on TEAM CHENZHOU and their love and dedication to some of China's orphans, I poured my heart out to Him asking Him to break my heart even further for those things that break His. I asked Him to reveal to me what more I could do.
Well.....my 11 year old van had a "slight" malfunction and the window motor would not allow the window to roll up. My sweet Dad duct taped plastic on it so we wouldn't sweat or get wet on our 1 hour and 15 minute ride home. I fumed inside all the way home as the rain pelted against it and the constant flapping of the plastic,which sounded more like a sledge hammer being beat against the metal, gave me a most throbbing headache! My worldly self rehearsed over and over the many reasons why we needed a new car! HAD TO HAVE A NEW CAR!
Until it hit me. He gently nudged my heart. We don't really NEED a new car and we don't buy a new car because it is paid for. We have no car payment. We can use this money for eternal purposes. We can donate to places and things we feel led to. Things that make a difference. Things with eternal value.
So I will drive my old car.
And I will continue to struggle but......
I will continue to pray for my heart to be molded more like His.
I will pray that He leads me to Him and away from the glittering here and now of the world.
I will pray my children learn this.
I will pray I choose Him.
And His everlasting love and grace.